Waiting...

Dear Baby Panther,

It's 5 am and between the heartburn and excitement over your impending entrance into our lives, I believe that sleep is a "no-go" today. Instead, I thought I would get up and share with you my thoughts. You are currently rolling around from side to side and I can only imagine how excited you are for what's about to happen. You've never been one to hold still and I bet you'll enjoy being able to move freely into this big world.

As I think about your birthday, some of the things I'm excited / grateful / ready for are:

1) I am delighted that you will be born at home with a midwife. I feel complete peace about the quietness of this atmosphere and the fact that your Daddy and I will know the people in attendance. No crabby nurses or last minute attending doctors to deliver you. Just you, me, Daddy, Jen (midwife extraordinaire), and Jessica (her right hand lady).

2) I'm confident that giving you an unmedicated birth is the right decision for you and I and that I am fully capable of conquering this hurdle without any drugs. Millions of women have done it for thousands of years. Millions of women have done it for thousands of years. I tell myself this fact over and over again to help combat all of the women who tell me that I "can't" do it.

3) I can't wait to see your face.

I have dreamt about what your sweet little feet will look like and I can't wait to meet the knees that have made constant contact with my belly these 9 months. I love to think about your hands and all they will accomplish in your lifetime, but your face... this is something I can't even begin to picture. I've never known someone so well whom I haven't yet met. This is a million times better than Christmas.

4) Just wait until you meet your family. They love you like crazy already. You're going to like them a lot. They're fun!

With all of these confident and positive feelings come opposite feelings of nervousness / doubt / etc. I wish it wasn't so, but I would be lying if I said everything was roses. Some of my "not-so-happy" thoughts are:

1) I think that every "almost" new mother can relate in that we are scared about labor. I have literally done everything in my power to prepare myself mentally (12 weeks of birthing classes), physically (exercising everyday and carefully watching my diet), and spiritually (crying out to God for His perfect strength) and yet, I still wonder sometimes, "CAN I do this?"

2) While I am thrilled to have our families come for your birth (praise God for awesome families), I have some anxiety about hosting (my favorite thing to do) in this unbelievably tiny house (560 sq ft.) with a newborn. We hardly have enough seating for just your Dad and I let alone the rest of our family. I want to be real with my struggles when you come and not feel like I need to be superwoman. I want to have freedom to make all the mistakes that I'm going to make without feeling like I'm letting someone down. Having never done this before, I wonder how much space I'm going to need.

3) With so many friends struggling with their newborn's health, it is impossible not to wonder about your own. Will you be strong like you've been in the womb or will there be unforeseen problems waiting for us. Sidenote: I can already tell that the great enemy would have me completely abandon my trust that God is in control and instead favor a lifetime of worrying and dread. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for convicting me of this in the moment. Yesterday, in church, we sang the hymn, "Whate'er my God ordains is right". So true!

4) Hmmm....that's about it isn't it? If God is truly in control, then what do we have to fear? I guess that puts an end to my list. :)

Most of all, sweet baby boy, I am honored to be your Mama and look forward to journeying through your birth together, you and me, and to meeting you for the first time, and to watching you grow. I love you more than anything!

Love,

Your Mama

38 Weeks and 4 days pregnant

Two giant things: me and your Daddy's tomato plants :)