The Panthers: Reality Hits

Jack is sleeping.

You say, "Of course, he is. Babies sleep all the time."

Yes, this is true, but today is special because he is sleeping and I am typing, which means that I am not holding him. When Jack "exercised" more than other babies while he was in the womb, and when he entered this world in his own difficult way, I should have known that he would toot his own horn as a newborn and put us through the ringer.

With all of the research and preparation I did before Jack was born, I am a bit surprised that I have been so caught off guard by what it is like to have a high-needs baby. I so naively thought that staying at home with Jack would be EASIER than working full time. I pictured him sleeping calmly and me spending my days baking, teaching voice lessons, and cleaning my house. HA!

Our current reality involves sleepless nights, a baby who either sleeps, eats, or cries, and struggles with loneliness. Today is the first day of school at my old job and I can't help but fight with the thought that there is a part of me that would rather be there.

Disclaimer: I've debated about writing this blog post because it would be so much easier to only tell a half truth and post beautiful pictures of my son and tell how wonderful everything is. Of course, we are deliriously happy and I am loving (almost) every moment. But, I would much rather live honestly and fully, even if it means admitting the hard parts.

Last week began with three days post family visits with Jack and I alone at home all day everyday. By Wednesday, I was in the pit of despair. I wasn't finding joy in the task of parenthood and was having a hard time imagining my future as a parent. At dinner, Dave prayed that the Lord would strengthen me and encourage my heart. After dinner, we went for a walk with Jack in the stroller and I cried as we walked because of the joy of getting out of the house. As if on cue, we ran into our friends Khan and Leslie with their 3 mo. daughter. Leslie also had a tough start with her little one and was an instant shoulder to cry on (no joke...on our walk, I just broke down on her shoulder). Thursday, my friend Meg brought me a latte and held Jack while I got a few things done and then Leslie came over in the afternoon. Finally, I was seeing that we could survive this phase.

Since then, we have been making all kinds of improvements. We figured out that Jack has some trouble with reflux because of my oversupply of milk. He is only really getting the lactose loaded foremilk and cries all the time because he has so much gas in his tummy (poor guy). We also figured out a sleeping method that works (at least some of the time) and allows both Dave and I at least 4-5 hours of sleep a night. This is all a step in the right direction.

Someday, we will be able to put Jack down in his own crib in his own room and spend some time with just the two of us and sleep alone in our own bed. I long for this day and know that it is certainly around the corner.

For now, we are trying to enjoy every moment of this precious time together before we spend a month apart. Dave is headed to Wisconsin for a dermatology away rotation at the University of Wisconsin in Madison and I am flying (yikes....with a crabby baby) up to WA to stay with my family from the last week of September to the last week of October. I can't imagine being away from Dave who is my absolute rock through this hard time and even more how difficult it will be for him to be away from his son. Ah...medical school.

I can't wait to report next on how well things end up turning out, but for now, here are some of the latest pictures of our sweet boy.

Jack's first bath...not quite sure what to think